Why Me?

Hello wonderful readers!,

Tonight I find myself pondering the meaning of chronic pain/illness. I know that I’m not the only one who thinks of this from time to time, or perhaps very often.

Despite being well into my “journey” I still have times where I ask, “Why me?” What could I have possibly done to warrant so much pain in my life? Was I a horrible person in a past life?… Just genetically unlucky?  What is the PURPOSE?

Sometimes I can’t see any meaning or purpose, and to be honest I don’t think there’s a one size fits all answer to my questions.

Ultimately, I think we make our own meaning/purpose. Let me elaborate. Maybe because my illness/chronic pain has opened my eyes the purpose is to allow me to connect with this huge group of people from so many cultures, and backgrounds all over the world. Perhaps my pain is meant to show me that despite all of my ills I still have an amazing life, and that there’s always something to be grateful for no matter how seemingly insignificant…maybe it is to make me appreciate life more. On the other hand, maybe these struggles are a lesson not only for me, but for my spouse to learn how to be a team and not to sweat the small stuff. Honestly, I don’t know if there’s any rhyme or reason to illness/pain, while I consider myself to be a spiritual person who believes in a higher power, I do not consider myself religious. BUT, I know that regardless of any higher power, or grand plan that I benefit from deciding on the meaning/purpose of my pain.

You see, in my mind I think it’s a matter of perspective. There are certainly days where I have tunnel vision and no answer is good enough. I simply sit in a puddle of “why me?” but when I’m not stewing in a pot of self pity I see a lot of great things that I otherwise might never have seen. Like I touched on above, I’ve seen behind a huge certain. While I often feel angry that I’ve seen behind this certain because I can’t un-see all of the work I feel we have to do in the world; I also feel privileged to be a part of such a vast community. We may be marginalized but we certainly don’t take it lying down.

In my last blog post I talked about how illness/pain is only one part of who we are. As someone who has been in the chronic pain/illness community for quite a few years now I can also boast that it’s filled with beautiful, talented, intelligent, and compassionate people. Even on days when we feel like dying we STILL manage to get up and live. Even if we’re surviving second to second we’re still some of the biggest bad asses to ever walk the planet!

I used to feel sorry for myself despite managing to do so many household chores and support my spouse. I felt that because I was not doing MORE that I was somehow less or not an equal partner. But when you add in the extra distress I look back and realize that I was never less, and in fact, because I had a poorly functioning body that needed to work overtime to accomplish any task that I was actually doing far more! It really isn’t about what you can physically do though…at least to me, it’s about who you are inside. It’s about the deep desire to help others even when you can’t help yourself. It’s about the love that bursts out of you…it’s about being a genuinely kind and compassionate person, and I have to say that being a part of this community has shown me that the most compassionate, creative, and LOVING people who have the most to give the world are in our chronic pain/illness community.

What am I trying to say? That all of YOU are what make my chronic pain/illness mean something. Knowing that I am part of a community of people who have some of the brightest souls, and an incredible amount of perseverance. I don’t know a single one of you who doesn’t want the world to be a better place, and who doesn’t work tirelessly in their own way to make a positive impact (btw just you being alive and being the great person you are is a positive impact!)… that’s something that you can’t put a price on.

When you’re in a dark place, I hope you’ll remember you’re part of my purpose/meaning, and you make me grateful for my struggles.  I am proud to count myself among you, and I hope that you all find purpose/meaning in spite of/in your pain/illness and that you hold on to it tightly. XO 

Also, this Gif from giphy made me laugh giphy (10)


Myth: Endometriosis can be treated with hormones.

Fact: Hormones have no affect on endometriosis lesions, but they can mask symptoms in some. *There has been a lot of hubub about the FDA approving a new drug for Endometriosis called Orilissa. This drug is not a new treatment and is actually oral Lupron. Please do your research and do not fall prey to this potentially harmful drug!*


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